


autothysis

by rnadoka



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Loneliness, Muteness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-27 11:33:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13247370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rnadoka/pseuds/rnadoka
Summary: Loneliness isn't a feeling that dissipates easily.





	autothysis

**Author's Note:**

> did you say you wanted more tsukishima angst? no? welp...  
> this fic is heavily inspired by "balsam - kaai yuki!" i hold the song very dear, so why shouldn't I make a fic with the same basis? sorry if there are mistakes, I didn't read over it to extensively ;;  
> I hope everyone who reads enjoys!! :D

You were never the person to admit that they were lonely. For the majority of your life, the only way you could protect yourself, your emotions, was isolation. You would do what you needed to during the school day; do your work, speak when spoken to, study. But as soon as the school day ended, no one permeated the white noise that surrounded you. Your family gave up trying to speak to you ages ago, and you like it. Atleast, you convince yourself that you like it. But sometimes, the silence is deafening.  
  
When at school, no one attempted to talk to you; they all knew you would just give them a blank stare, devoid of emotion and intent. No one ever tried to ask you for help and teachers rarely asked you for answers. It was lonely, but it felt normal.  
  
Sometimes you questioned your own judgements: was this the right thing for you? Was being lonely a sacrifice that you would be willing to make, just because you were terrified of showing your true emotions? It's easy to lie to others. But it's almost impossible to lie to yourself.  
  
Even if your life was being threatened, you don't think you'd admit the utter loneliness you constantly felt. You never want to feel pity radiating off of someone, pity that is directed to you. It would be the most shameful thing to live through, you think.  
  
When you were younger, classmates would voice their opinion of you loudly, no shame attached. "You probably just don't speak much because people hate you." You lied to the boy who had said that, "It's because I like being left to myself!" But deep down, you felt he was right: you were awkward, spindly and out of place. You stuck out like a sore thumb, and you knew that; as did everyone else.  
  
At this point, you knew if you broke this charade, this nasty habit, people would view you as a weak individual. And you knew you wouldn't be able to handle that, because you were weak, scared. If you spoke, people would see the type of person you really were: one that has feelings and genuine thoughts. And you couldn't let that happen.  
  
Your mother had always told you, "You can't leave seeds unless you break from your shell, Kei." You didn't know what that meant at the time, but you've come to realize it recently: You will never be able to help anyone unless you first help yourself. If you didn't break out of this imaginary shell, you would always be the outsider in every imaginable situation. You would never be able to break through that wall.  
  
You sometimes wonder if, when you were younger and tried to make nice with others, that anything would be significantly different. But then that doubt tugs at you; doesn't standing alone, independent, make you a cooler person? Deep down, you knew it wasn't true, but the thought never let you change anything.  
  
You can't imagine going up to someone, asking to be friends with them. The embarrassment, the pity. Your useless pride would never allow something like that to happen. You never believed you'd be a person that envied others for their popularity, their friendliness. You never wanted to. All you wanted was a strong sense of yourself, emotions that weren't always running wild and making you feel like a complete failure.  
  
You always think of the way people march of out class together, with their large group of friends. Alot of the time you found it repulsive, but some days, you realized that it was something you wanted but would never have. Something you yearned for, but wouldn't say so.  
  
No matter what, you really don't think you'd be truthful about your loneliness. But, just sometimes, you think, 'What if I was?' And that thought haunts you.


End file.
